just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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