haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
