Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
