At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
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