I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
