dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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