i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
