I want to make a zoo with you.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
