I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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