How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
