her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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