i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
