im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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