How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
