In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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