Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
