My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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