I think I won the penis lottery.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
