I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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