quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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