Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
