I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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