When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
