I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
