We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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