god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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