so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
