proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Randomize
