Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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