you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
