Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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