The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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