walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
