He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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