I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
