just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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