dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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