At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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