She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
