i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
