Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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