You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
