The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
