I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
