Soap is not a condiment
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
