i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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