I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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