oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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