just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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