FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
