One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
