if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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