quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Randomize
