the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
