he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
