I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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