there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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