I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
