is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
