P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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