I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
