My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
