remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
