Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
