i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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