Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
it was like eating out sand paper
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
